thicklens.smalleyes

so ive only been at home for the last 3 days. Currently I am "grounded". Feeling slightly embarrassed that i am 23 and being grounded but i am not fighting my punishment because i know that i deserved it. So i am stripped of my car and my outside time. My parents aren't big on disciplining me now a days and even this i consider to be very light compared to the old days but ive been really taking this time to reflect on life and what i am doing with it. My parents aren't mad... i mean they were... hence the punishment, but i feel like we are taking this time to really talk about things and i think they find it strange that i am not threating to run away from home... and that i acknowledged my mistake. I think they got awkward when i was all sorry and depressed instead of angry and rebellious, which is why most of the yelling was skipped. Which makes me think... was I really that bad before? yes. i probably was. I am in desperate need of prayer. I feel like prayer is not as present in my life as it should be. Instead of lazing around the house i want to try to pray. Kinda tried that today and it kind of worked. I have so many things to pray for and need to work on verbally thanking Him instead of assuming that He knows which is a bad habit that i have carried with me. BTW i only write blog posts right before i go to sleep and the reason i usually right them is because i am feeling "thoughtful" which is why all my blog entries are a bit similar to each other. I love you for real. Ask me for a hug.

Prayer Requests (for those you graciously are willing to pray for me):

-"Situation" that I am dealing with... kind of hard to say but maybe when it is over. i know, its complicated... i apologize

-Perseverance in life in general

-To be a better example for all my sisters

-Finding my self-confidence in God and not worldly things

-My dry skin.. my face has been really dry and irritated.. it makes me sad.

-Holding my tongue and only speaking when I should and making sure it is out of love.

Same Old Story

Theres a lot of other stuff i wish i could be writing about right now but i should probably pray and think about them before i write them all out. I am really thankful for friends though. Girl friends especially. I look back at myself even just a couple years ago and i used to always say how i would rather be friends with a guy rather than a girl. Of course I have my reasons for thinking the way I did back then but now i look back at myself and feel so stupid. Right now I am surrounded by girl friends that i can lean on and trust. Not just with whats going on in my life but also how is God working in our lives. and we share so openly. Its so strange... why did I ever want to miss out on this kind of fellowship. I feel so blessed, like incredibly undeservingly blessed... i love how we can sit there and talk for literally hours and discuss anything from God to boys to family to pressures in our lives. whatever. it just really amazes me and opens my eyes to so many more things.

You know i used to think that I had stayed the same. I could not tell a difference in me from my highschool years to my college years to my college plus years... haha but maybe it was because i didnt look closely enough. or didn't evaluate the things that I should have. But there is no way that I havent changed. Main difference is that I think differently, i need to work heavily more on my actions (even though both still needs work). But then I look ahead and see how much more growing and maturing I have to do and it kind of excites me. How much more will He reveal to me. What other troubles and blessings is He going to send me through. There are so many things that I need to work on. For me, along with growth comes a certain wanting for something to stay the same. I need to pray harder and discipline myself (steady planned reading of the word). LETS GO!

Candy Green Apples

3 Things I Miss

1. my jetta

2. having a youth group

3. my sister when she was CUTE~

I painted my nails green and for some reason they remind me of green apples and then i crave apples. ARG! Thanksgiving is coming up! i'm getting excited huhu

this blog was short and sweet... just like apples T0T

not stupid. just a late bloomer.

4 Things You Wish You Could Say But Might Never

1. Let's have a baby... HAHAHAHA jk... ok for real

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1. i love you. not the empty words that i always say to you but the way that you meant it to be. With all that I am and for the rest of my life. i will not falter and i will not move. i will live for you alone. if only these words could be 100% real.

2. Thank you for accepting me as i am and for just being there. I know that i dont show it as much as i should and that i go through phases but its because you are there that i am so comfortable being me to you. i know i disappoint you a lot and i'm am sorry. I hope that we can love each other more and pray for each other more.

3. I dont regret you. i know it doesnt make sense but i dont. you will read this and think other wise but we went through a lot together and i learned what i know now from going through it with you. Things are still gray and kept private but i finally think im starting to grow out instead of hiding in. thank you. i will pray for you if i remember, which im sure i will occasionally, for real this time. i hope these words can be read as genuine.

4. YAY! graduation!! ...T-T

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maybe it was to serious or cheesy but these are not technically things that i dont say already but more of things that i dont say properly or really want it to be genuine. whatevs... i feel like working out is making me feel sick but healthy at the same time. i need to buy shoes... like tennis shoes. i hate cutting my nails but i hate having long nails too... although i do feel as if they make my fingers look more thinner. learning to love a person is really hard... especially when they annoy the crap out of you. GAH! must not think like this. im waiting for something to happen.. cant say what, but it could determine my future in a totally different way. kinda scared. pray for me. are you guys praying for me?! am i worthy of your prayers... i must work on obedience. i should make more serious entries. i sound like im in highschool. but i like writing without any thought process or organization. i write organized and about how i critically think all week and i want a break from the normal.

scatter scatter scatter.

yes God, i would like one order of a mentor please. thank you!...just kidding :(

rainbowPOP

5 Songs I Like (currently)

1. Hearts of Servants- Shane & Shane

"we are Yours, give us hearts of servants"

2. Make You Feel My Love- Adele

"no there's nothing that I wouldn't do, to make you feel my love"

3. Cry in My Heart- Starfield

"For what do I have if I don't have You, Jesus? What in this life Could mean any more?..."

4. If We Are the Body- Casting Crowns

"And if we are the body, Why aren't His feet going? Why is His love not showing them there is a way?"

5. 아파 (It Hurts)- 2NE1

"변했니 니 맘속에 이젠 난 더 이상 없는거니"

so i had to stop punishing my paper and work on it... its so lucky... i couldve let it sit there forever... BOOO- korean music is getting annoying. am i showing the people around me how much i really love and appreciate them? i hope you guys know

i realized that i have a fear of praying outloud. Its like stage fright i lose my words and i feel like i sound stupid which im sure is just in my head but maybe public prayer is something i need to work on. oh this blog entry is boring today. WAIT! i reorganized my desk today hohoho~ now it looks so organized and niiiice. i can make a triangle with my lips! interesting....

BAH! i heart you

5:20am

6 Things I Love (excluding God, Family, and Friends haha thats a given)

1. Reading the bible and getting blown away because something makes sense

2. After working out intensely or coming back from some strenuous activity and sitting down in my car and appreciating my rest.

3. When everyone is laughing so hard that they can't breathe

4. When you wake up early so that everything in your room has a blueish tint to it and its so cold but you are wrapped up warmly in your blanket and you just lay there listening to the sound outside. I love it

5. Brushing your teeth and eating ice cream right after as you take a walk outside while its snowing.

6.Being in an air conditioned building and freezing but then you walk outside and the sun make your skin feel all tingly and warm

waking up early makes you feel good :)

i keep making glances over at the rough draft of my research paper... i feel like its judging me... "grace dont you need to start working on me?" RAWR! dont tell me what to do you stupid paper... as punishment i should make you sit there untouched for another couple days! huhu :D im strange i know.. i like to talk to inanimate objects. i keep crying T-T calm down... its not cause im emotional or sad but i think its allergies it always comes with the changing of the seasons. now im scared they are going to puff up NO! I BANISH ALL PUFFINESS FROM MY EYES! oh so silly. i have a voice midterm in a couple hours... i have to take care of my voice

thank you for reading this nonsense that spills out of my mind :)

i lurve you

Papers. Exams. Nail Polish.

So since you asked me to do this i shall do it

i feel like you are the only one that regularly

checks my blogs anyways :D

7 Things That Have Been Crossing Your Mind A lot Recently.

1. When will it end?

2. Am I ready for this?

3. I hate being like this.

4. I'm really blessed like really its kind of crazy

5. I should call them...

6. Weirdness is a good thing

7. SO CUTE~!

I almost passed out today cause i forgot to remind myself to breath...

its a really bad habit that i've been realizing im doing more of.

I have a higher IQ than I expected huhuhu :)

I feel like when I talk about the bible or have "holy conversations" about

what has been revealed to me, I trick myself into having this false

security that I'm maybe a better

person, as if i had realized things on my own. and then I realize that

It's never me and it makes me sad that

I let myself think that way.

This is hopefully a good thing but I feel like I am becoming

more self aware. I think i need to realize that I am beautiful

in God's eyes... and that should be enough for me. It something

that I know but easily forget or push away. That should

bring about a change and hopefully He is changing me for the

better little by little, i just hope I dont end up taking pride in it.

I am currently surrounded (litterally) with my books and papers and

study sheets... and my room smells like fresh nail polish.

This was supposed to be splotchy and incoherent

i am best expressed that way.