Same Old Story

Theres a lot of other stuff i wish i could be writing about right now but i should probably pray and think about them before i write them all out. I am really thankful for friends though. Girl friends especially. I look back at myself even just a couple years ago and i used to always say how i would rather be friends with a guy rather than a girl. Of course I have my reasons for thinking the way I did back then but now i look back at myself and feel so stupid. Right now I am surrounded by girl friends that i can lean on and trust. Not just with whats going on in my life but also how is God working in our lives. and we share so openly. Its so strange... why did I ever want to miss out on this kind of fellowship. I feel so blessed, like incredibly undeservingly blessed... i love how we can sit there and talk for literally hours and discuss anything from God to boys to family to pressures in our lives. whatever. it just really amazes me and opens my eyes to so many more things.

You know i used to think that I had stayed the same. I could not tell a difference in me from my highschool years to my college years to my college plus years... haha but maybe it was because i didnt look closely enough. or didn't evaluate the things that I should have. But there is no way that I havent changed. Main difference is that I think differently, i need to work heavily more on my actions (even though both still needs work). But then I look ahead and see how much more growing and maturing I have to do and it kind of excites me. How much more will He reveal to me. What other troubles and blessings is He going to send me through. There are so many things that I need to work on. For me, along with growth comes a certain wanting for something to stay the same. I need to pray harder and discipline myself (steady planned reading of the word). LETS GO!

Candy Green Apples

3 Things I Miss

1. my jetta

2. having a youth group

3. my sister when she was CUTE~

I painted my nails green and for some reason they remind me of green apples and then i crave apples. ARG! Thanksgiving is coming up! i'm getting excited huhu

this blog was short and sweet... just like apples T0T

not stupid. just a late bloomer.

4 Things You Wish You Could Say But Might Never

1. Let's have a baby... HAHAHAHA jk... ok for real

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1. i love you. not the empty words that i always say to you but the way that you meant it to be. With all that I am and for the rest of my life. i will not falter and i will not move. i will live for you alone. if only these words could be 100% real.

2. Thank you for accepting me as i am and for just being there. I know that i dont show it as much as i should and that i go through phases but its because you are there that i am so comfortable being me to you. i know i disappoint you a lot and i'm am sorry. I hope that we can love each other more and pray for each other more.

3. I dont regret you. i know it doesnt make sense but i dont. you will read this and think other wise but we went through a lot together and i learned what i know now from going through it with you. Things are still gray and kept private but i finally think im starting to grow out instead of hiding in. thank you. i will pray for you if i remember, which im sure i will occasionally, for real this time. i hope these words can be read as genuine.

4. YAY! graduation!! ...T-T

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maybe it was to serious or cheesy but these are not technically things that i dont say already but more of things that i dont say properly or really want it to be genuine. whatevs... i feel like working out is making me feel sick but healthy at the same time. i need to buy shoes... like tennis shoes. i hate cutting my nails but i hate having long nails too... although i do feel as if they make my fingers look more thinner. learning to love a person is really hard... especially when they annoy the crap out of you. GAH! must not think like this. im waiting for something to happen.. cant say what, but it could determine my future in a totally different way. kinda scared. pray for me. are you guys praying for me?! am i worthy of your prayers... i must work on obedience. i should make more serious entries. i sound like im in highschool. but i like writing without any thought process or organization. i write organized and about how i critically think all week and i want a break from the normal.

scatter scatter scatter.

yes God, i would like one order of a mentor please. thank you!...just kidding :(

rainbowPOP

5 Songs I Like (currently)

1. Hearts of Servants- Shane & Shane

"we are Yours, give us hearts of servants"

2. Make You Feel My Love- Adele

"no there's nothing that I wouldn't do, to make you feel my love"

3. Cry in My Heart- Starfield

"For what do I have if I don't have You, Jesus? What in this life Could mean any more?..."

4. If We Are the Body- Casting Crowns

"And if we are the body, Why aren't His feet going? Why is His love not showing them there is a way?"

5. 아파 (It Hurts)- 2NE1

"변했니 니 맘속에 이젠 난 더 이상 없는거니"

so i had to stop punishing my paper and work on it... its so lucky... i couldve let it sit there forever... BOOO- korean music is getting annoying. am i showing the people around me how much i really love and appreciate them? i hope you guys know

i realized that i have a fear of praying outloud. Its like stage fright i lose my words and i feel like i sound stupid which im sure is just in my head but maybe public prayer is something i need to work on. oh this blog entry is boring today. WAIT! i reorganized my desk today hohoho~ now it looks so organized and niiiice. i can make a triangle with my lips! interesting....

BAH! i heart you

5:20am

6 Things I Love (excluding God, Family, and Friends haha thats a given)

1. Reading the bible and getting blown away because something makes sense

2. After working out intensely or coming back from some strenuous activity and sitting down in my car and appreciating my rest.

3. When everyone is laughing so hard that they can't breathe

4. When you wake up early so that everything in your room has a blueish tint to it and its so cold but you are wrapped up warmly in your blanket and you just lay there listening to the sound outside. I love it

5. Brushing your teeth and eating ice cream right after as you take a walk outside while its snowing.

6.Being in an air conditioned building and freezing but then you walk outside and the sun make your skin feel all tingly and warm

waking up early makes you feel good :)

i keep making glances over at the rough draft of my research paper... i feel like its judging me... "grace dont you need to start working on me?" RAWR! dont tell me what to do you stupid paper... as punishment i should make you sit there untouched for another couple days! huhu :D im strange i know.. i like to talk to inanimate objects. i keep crying T-T calm down... its not cause im emotional or sad but i think its allergies it always comes with the changing of the seasons. now im scared they are going to puff up NO! I BANISH ALL PUFFINESS FROM MY EYES! oh so silly. i have a voice midterm in a couple hours... i have to take care of my voice

thank you for reading this nonsense that spills out of my mind :)

i lurve you

Papers. Exams. Nail Polish.

So since you asked me to do this i shall do it

i feel like you are the only one that regularly

checks my blogs anyways :D

7 Things That Have Been Crossing Your Mind A lot Recently.

1. When will it end?

2. Am I ready for this?

3. I hate being like this.

4. I'm really blessed like really its kind of crazy

5. I should call them...

6. Weirdness is a good thing

7. SO CUTE~!

I almost passed out today cause i forgot to remind myself to breath...

its a really bad habit that i've been realizing im doing more of.

I have a higher IQ than I expected huhuhu :)

I feel like when I talk about the bible or have "holy conversations" about

what has been revealed to me, I trick myself into having this false

security that I'm maybe a better

person, as if i had realized things on my own. and then I realize that

It's never me and it makes me sad that

I let myself think that way.

This is hopefully a good thing but I feel like I am becoming

more self aware. I think i need to realize that I am beautiful

in God's eyes... and that should be enough for me. It something

that I know but easily forget or push away. That should

bring about a change and hopefully He is changing me for the

better little by little, i just hope I dont end up taking pride in it.

I am currently surrounded (litterally) with my books and papers and

study sheets... and my room smells like fresh nail polish.

This was supposed to be splotchy and incoherent

i am best expressed that way.

Never....

Never have I felt the wanting to beat someone down so badly.

Maybe im to protective, i shocked myself over how angry i got.

If anyone were to hurt her I don't know what I would do.

God... please give both her and I a heart of forgiveness.

That she would learn to love them no matter what they do.

That I would learn to let her live her life.

That you would guide us in our actions and words.

We are not of this world... we are waiting.

Forgiveness...

Sad...

its so sad how having this job just proves to me

how much i dont want to be a teacher...

and it makes me happy that i decided to change my

major cause i was starting to doubt it.

so counseling it is! yay for not having my

education classes go to waste! :)

i might not be where others my age are at

but im getting there slowly and surely

i love cake

BAH BAH BOGGLES

i hate repeating myself...

especially working with three year olds its just constant repeating and yelling and directing. I lost it today. Not in a i-went-crazy type of way but by the end of the day i was so drained and i just kind of let go and let myself be tired. i thought talking about it would be make me feel better but it didn't. i just ended up complaining (which is probably what im doing now) and that made me feel worse. gah. this is like brain vomit. I was the bad guy today. Theres this one little boy who is so cute. i seriously love him cause he so CUTE but he just doesnt listen. Its not just that but he knows what he did wrong. He kept biting kids and running around when he wasnt supposed to and no matter how many times i told him to stop or gave him a time out he just kept on going. It got to the point where as soon as he did something bad he knew i was going to scold him so he would hide behind his closest classmate so he wouldnt have to match eyes with me. It was SOOO frustrating!!

... i realized im just like him. ive just gotten better at hiding. I feel like its wrong to compare myself to God but it really opened my eyes to how good i think i am... how everytime i do something wrong i hide it by covering it up expecting that maybe God wont see me, all the while knowing He is there and knowing that eventually i will have to fess up. ( "Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. ~isaiah 1:18 ) How is He so amazing? so forgiving?... So i tried to be loving to him and the kid started crying and blubbering about how he was sorry and that he would never do it again and how he still loves me (random i know but he said it haha) and i forgave him, gave him a sticker and sent him home. No doubt that when he comes back tomorrow that he will not listen to me, but i want to show him and the rest of my class just a speck of the love that my Father has shown for me. Children are so fasinating but crazy. Talking didnt make me feel better but praying and reading really did. God seriously BAH BAH BAH BOGGLES my mind.. this was totally not structured but oh well dont feel like editing hopefully there will be no big typos. Sorry this is so long. If you read this all Kudos for you~ I love you~ you know it :D

Rest In Peace

I didn't know you very well but i never forgot the time where you were so willing to talk to me and help me even though i was so closed. It has been years since i left but when we would randomly meet, your smile and laugh made me feel like it had been just yesterday. You really helped me through and i never got to thank you for it. Your smile warmed my heart and you were the example of a person overflowing with Christs love. You are with Him now so let me rejoice for you. I will pray for your family. Thank you for showing me what a person filled with love should be like. You will be missed...

The Result of My Boredom

So me, being the loser that i am, have been into making little trinkets in my spare time. None of them have really come out cute so they usually end up in the trash can. BUT jen left for OC on wednesday and being broke... i decided to make her a little sun thing haha i didnt get to take a picture of it but i thought it turned out cute. :) but ive been busy studying and my mind just feels like its on over load so i started to make the little duck thing (below). I realized i really enjoy doing it, i just tune everything out and my hands just work... HAHAHA that sounds so... ugh nevermind :)

i miss you all!

Fast Cars & Bright Lights

you know that picture you always see? the one where its night time in some big city and all you see are the roads with flashes of red and white headlights zooming in every direction. Thats what its like in my head. i feel like my mind is on overload. Emotions are all over the place my head is constantly racing with a bajillion thoughts. I feel like I havent allowed myself to just be still and gather myself. Constantly surrounding myself with people and its starting to stress me out. Their problems become my problems. Their worries become my worries. Their stresses become my stresses. Of course it may not be in "real life" but to me it really feels like it. I was telling NohPu the other day but i feel like i live in a world of my own. The weird things that people see me do i dont even notice. Some people call me out on doing it for attention but seriously my mind is not that complicated. I feel like im constantly going back and forth between my reality and peoples reality. Things that bother me dont bother others while things that bother them doesnt make sense to me. does this make sense? probably not... Im just really exhausted, im emotionally strained and im trying my best not to show it. i keep telling everyone and myself that im ok.. but maybe im not. maybe i need to really evaluate where i am. I took my mask off and opened my arms wide... only to put on a more realistic mask and a bullet proof vest. haha that probably doesnt make sense to you. All i know is that i need to start recentering myself with the word. im thirsty... (not for water haha)