Future Junkie

I am a Future Junkie.




I love to think about what God has in store for me in the future. What my calling is. Am i going to get married. Where am i going to be in 10 years. Will my friends still be my friends. Who am i going to lose. Who am i going to meet. I've always thought that i need to know whats going to happen in the future in order to go on with the present. Does that make sense? Im sure it doesnt. I've been looking at the future so much i've lost my purpose in the present. " I can't focus on studies cause i don't know what i want to become" "I'm going to take a break cause i don't know what God wants for me." I've been stuck in the same place for the past 3 years. I dont look at whats right in front of me, but look over it to what i cant see. Shouldn't God be glorified even in my present situation? I read Kyungs blog about God being glorified in his studies. We are living our lives for Him so wouldn't He want us to study hard? (A biblical reference would be great right now but unfortunately i am selfish and flawed and have yet to remember specific places in the bible, let alone continuously read it) I'm so scared that this semester is gonna turn out like all the other ones. That I'm just gonna give up halfway through. I just want to take it week by week for now. Not thinking or worrying to much about the outcome. If i tried my hardest i should be satisfied with the grade that i get. I've been trying to get into the daily habit of reading the bible to. Taking it day by day, not looking around at other people but just focusing on God. Its hard.


I feel like i always write my blogs late at night. I have class tomorrow :)

3:16am

Sometimes i feel like i cant keep up. its like im watching everyone climb up this huge hill these people that i know and i want to be there with them... see what they see, understand what they understand but my feet and hands start fumbling. There they are all the way up there and here i am struggling to even stay in the same place. I find myself comparing myself to my brothers and sisters around me. Everytime i do it frustrates me. Why cant I be like them? What am i doing here? How do I look to them? Why do they seem so Godly? And then i see how selfish i am and start drowning more in frustration and sorrow. Then i find myself reading books blogs and even the bible to be like them. To speak like them. To think like them. I dont want that. Its disgusting... Would God look down on me and find His glory? would he be pleased? Its not about the other people. Its not about how people percieve me... I want to look pass that I want God to be glorified.. in everything that i do. My faith is not measured by how my brothers and sisters see me but by how I live my life for him. So no more pulling answers out of my butt, i really want to speak what I know what i really believe, that way i'll be able to grow more to strive more, I want my answers to be genuine, not just what i think they want to hear, no matter how that makes me look to them. Its gonna be a struggle but its a struggle that im going to have to face.

i always thought i was a very open person.. that i share whats going on in my life.. but its just an act. Its so hard opening your heart, cause even i dont know what may be inside.